This is my mom, Joy, and today is her birthday. She would have been 72 today. Isn't she beautiful? I have always thought so. I wasn't blessed with her dimples but wished I were. She died from pancreatic cancer 4 1/2 years ago.
Losing a mother is complicated for a daughter and I am her only one. You never realize how much of you is wrapped up in her until she is gone. I have always considered myself quite independent but losing her brought me to my knees. Still does. My life is joyful but also tinged with a bittersweet taste for the fact of not being shared with her.
I continue to try to be a woman she would be proud of but sometimes feel so much less without her - continuing the journey at a slower pace - lame, limping.
I am sure as my life continues to move forward my stride will lengthen and strengthen; I am also sure that every so often I will again be brought to my knees - scraped and bloody - wishing I had a mother to soften the blows.
As I tend toward the dramatic and today is a good day for it, here is a quote I found soon after her passing. It suited my mood then and today (but only today):
"With my mother's death, all settled happiness, all that was tranquil and reliable, disappeared from my life. There was to be much fun, many pleasures, many stabs of Joy; but no more of the old security. It was sea and islands now; the great continent had sunk like Atlantis."
CS Lewis, The Joyful Christian
Apparently, CS Lewis and I enjoy rolling around in the muck of our grief. Thanks for getting yourselves a little mucky with me.<grin>
Your mother is beautiful. I am sorry for your grief and loss, but there is a changing of the guard that you are missing - The magnificent tree that set down roots to protect its sapling is no longer there, but she has supplied and will continue to help you grow strong roots of your own. Recognize that you're a magnificent tree in your own right and your strengthe and roots that will help your own little sapling as she grows and sets down roots of her own.
ReplyDeleteShannon: Beautifully written. I spent quite a bit with Mom on her birthday. I really do miss her and I am sure that all you kids do. The picture of Mom brought back some precious memories....thank you for doing it! Love, Dad
ReplyDeleteShannon,
ReplyDeleteMore than anyone I know you possess the inner calm and spiritual sensitivity mom possessed. You can see it in this picture and you reflect it in who you are. She really is a vision. Thank you for bringing her memory back to the surface where it belongs. I miss her terribly but love seeing her in you. Love you, Jason
@Kou - Thanks for you lovely words of wisdom and most days I remember that - or try to!
ReplyDelete@Dad - I love you, too, and thanks for being as great and understanding as you are!
@Jason - A vision indeed! How many times did she say that? Your compliments warmed my heart and how I wish I could believe you wholeheartedly! But I will believe you a little bit...